Sweet Baby Yeezus.ย 

I’m a monster. A dick hungry monster. Why. Why the fuck do I do and say the shit that I do and sayyy when I drink. 

Regardless of looking back at last night’s Harlow, it was at hell of a night out! Best one in a long time ๐Ÿ˜‚ maybe grab some popcorn, let’s see how I piece this together okurr.

*btw I’ve attempted writing this one a few times but I keep shaking my head at myself or falling asleep to recover. 

Ok so. After a day of serious self love and weekend prep and hours of make up- my favorite thing to do. That shit was bomb. Fuck me uuup. Tits out for the boys. Me and the puss were ready to go..

Get to Will’s house for some drinks. It’s always a show and we were sticking to our poor decision making and holy fuck did we ever.

Jon was passed out on the couch (great party house btw) and Seb (Wills sexy French roommate) was showering so we got to making drinks time to wake these fuckers up. The night goes by, were drinking feeling lit. Laughing my ass off. I Remember Will talking about my titties being out like crazy.  Told them to make sure they stay in check and Jon (shiiit like I just wanna see what the dick looks like ok) said he’d hold em all night if needed be. Me and 3 dicks. Tequila. We knew we were in for a wild fucking night hahaha. 

Alright shit escalates were out before going to the next place and so on. I vaguely remember lots of dick talk flirty crazy wild shit.  Pretty sure I said if I didn’t get someone decent to take home I’d take all three. ๐Ÿ‘ˆ who the fuck is that. Like why. Shaking my damn head at myself so much my neck hurts.

We get to the next place there’s dancing and dick and hoes everywhere more of our friends. Tequila shots being done from my cleavage.  I think there was a dick comparison between Will and Jon. I made a great judge, very hands on.

This is where it gets blurry. Well more than it already is. 

So Cayle was out too, another dick i never touched woohoo. And then there’s this tanner guy. I got him to come meet up there. I remember talking to him but that’s about it? Next thing you know I’m back at the strippers. Except it’s after hours like that place is closed, door was locked. Buddy just text someone and a minute later door opened. And boom mini party, waitresses still there place to ourselves. Like dope. So. Here. Here s where I somewhat remember kissing some chick? Bitting Wills neck. A guy I used to sleep with was there too and I woke up with a message from him? So there’s that I don’t know what happened there.

So I don’t know why I did this, but Cayle called and said let’s me up and like…. I did? So I ditched the after party. Let’s skip everything and go straight to the D. 

Unfortunately, it was smaller than I had imagined. But. He made up for it in other areas. That tongue game ๐Ÿ‘Œ shit I just had the place flooded. 2 hours. 3 orgasms. 

It was fun lol seemed like he was ready to stay the night though! And i have a no sleepovers rules so I tell him he should call a cab. And this mf says “alright, let me go down while I wait”  

So that happened.  Dear lord sweet baby yeezus. 

Checked my snap before passing out and Will, Seb and Jon were still going buck wild at Wills, my hair was too fucked to go back. That and I would’ve probably try to stick one of their dicks in my mouth, if not all. Ain’t no shame ladies do yo thang. I’m gonna assume taking 3 dicks is not what Missy was referring to. 

Woke up to a message from tanner saying

“One minute you had your hands down my pants and having a good time next thing you know you’re out the door with them” 
Aaahahahahaha shit, just so grabby.

You guys.  I’ve got more. But I’m dead. And I need to pass tf out. Maybe I’ll remember more tomorrow because I’m pretty sure I spent most of today still drunk. 

For a below average dick I’m some kind of sore I’ll tell ya that. Puss better buck up before tomorrow or I’ll have to pass lol.
*I fell asleep before posting this hahah faaail.

Hot Mess.

Wtf ๐Ÿ˜‚ ever look at yourself in the mirror, shake your head at yourself and your poorly made decisions? Ya. Ya I do. And I walk away laughing. Is this a problem? Guess we’ll find out. *goes to make more shit decisions* 

Did I forget to mention I may or may not have sent Spence some supper hoe pics on Saturday while he was with the boys, Luke included. (Ps. I did) Whatever it was fun.

So as this week has went by Will and I have decided were gonna be a poor decision making team and it shall be grand.  Shenanigans tomorrow. Shenanigans on Sunday. Gonna be a great long weekend folks.

So, these men.  In the last year of my relationshit. If that’s even what it was at that point. I already had my eye out there. I couldn’t help it (I didn’t cheat. But I just knew it meant something that I’d be so attracted to other men lol) ok ok i gotta stay on track. Point is, when I became single I already knew who I was going for. There’s a decent list. I’ve covered some decent ground this week.

Joly has this fiiiine ass roommate.  She’s always had fine ass roommates (gonna ride the one she had before too) so I finally get to do that ๐Ÿ˜ tall and covered in tattoos. How do you not.

Men are easy. Like sooooo easy. Forgot how easy they were ahahaha. Ah gonna be a fun weekend. 
Fuck k. I should probably tell you guys I might partially be a little homewrecky with Spencer. I could explain it all and it’d be like me making excuses. Ok just one excuse- in all fairness when the little Spencer and I thing started again she had moved out ๐Ÿ˜ž ….. it gets worse. 

We were talking about weekend plans, said I was drinking at Wills yaddah yaddah asked him what he was doing. Guess their having a huge bbq fire for her birthday. So.. there’s that lol.

And then.

He says he might ditch later and meet up. 

And then. And. Fucking. Then.

You know what I say? 

“I’m game.” Am I completely just fucked? Who am I. This is off to a bad start isnt it. There’s plenty more sooooo maaaaaybe I shouldn’t?

Dumb Harlow. So dumb…. *walks away laughing* 


(OK you guys this was a longer one that I thought it would be)

Sunday morning. Suns coming up. I look over at Spencer and wonder wtf did I just do all night ๐Ÿ˜‚

Let’s back track okay. 

Just moved into a new place, everything was getting settled and pretty looking on Saturday and I decided imma have people over. Gonna drank. Gonna get some dick don’t matter who. Invited a few people but it was the fights or some shit so all the boys were going to one of our friends house. Was gonna go. Hoe it up. Buuuut of course mister Luke was there. So fuck it I stuck with my plan of having drinks at the new place.

Cool, cool, cool.

So I go get Will (were best friends nothings ever really happened so no, no dicking from that ok, although I bet he’d be great and he does got a nice dick- don’t ask) few of the girls come over errthang lit.

I get a message from Spencer, one of my soon to be SD’S. We used to have a thing back in the day where we’d do a lot of drugs and do god knows what ๐Ÿ˜ž Kay, Kay back on track Harlow. He’s saying ya I’m down for drinks but I’m going to what’s his face to watch the fights I’ll come after. 

Cool, cool, cool.

I’ve mentioned everyone knows everyone and we all friends right? ๐Ÿ˜‚

He send me another saying Dylan picked him up and he’s actually with Luke, feels a little bad to ditch to go fuck his old lady’s brains out but then remembered he didn’t care. 

I fucking died

Like yas Spencer come fuck my brains out with that majestic sword of a dick you got. 

So anyways my place is a great time, so dope. Fights are over and Dylan drops off Spencer here but I guess not before telling him to go home when Will goes home.. 

Jokes on Dylan (he’s my bestie but hates when I fuck/date his friends- not sorry) Will promised me any bad shit I did would stick between us. Dope. Let’s get wild. Chateau Harlow was lit.

Don’t judge, or do. I don’t give a fuuuck. Spencer brought some party treats and it had been yeaaars since I touched it but fuck it let’s get high and fuck all night once people leave.

Fast forward.

So this was my first anything with anyone since the break up. And as much as my vagina was ready I donno if I was. 

Next thing you know we’re in my hallway, I’m on my knees. And then I wasn’t so nervous anymore ๐Ÿ˜‚ he really does have a great dick, definitely missed it. 

From the hallway, to the couch, the bedroom, this random ass chair, against the wall. With party treats in between. He choked me just right know what i mean. My bed was a mess of clothes and water bottles and I almost flooded it. Good job Spencer. Was a great fucking time. Literally. 

Ugh I coulda done that all day. Buuuut I kicked him out at about 6am. No sleeping over. 

Woke up with some bruised up titties and neck and I guess his back is just scratched right up. So no leaving the house for me haha 

Point of the story. No regret. That dick ๐Ÿ’ฃ
He wants to come over soon but I’ll wait it out and go see what the next one is like before I go back. 

Sunday be like:

Who disย 

OK.  So, Iโ€™ve been on the tinder, snapchat, down in the dms inappropriate bandwagon. And I donโ€™t mind, itโ€™s been fun. Single is so fun. I canโ€™t imagine going back to a life of only one person and Iโ€™m not even that far into my being single. Iโ€™m sure the excitement of getting back out there will die down, or maybe it wonโ€™t who knows ๐Ÿ˜‡ 5 years man, 5 years. 5 years of boring dick, 5 years of bullshit arguments and bullshit excuse for make up sex. 

Iโ€™m gonna go on a dick spree. I have a few lined up. Is that bad to say? Meh who cares. I have a few lined up

Most of the men around here are bad choices but great dick, which works out great for me! Downfall- everyone knows everyone and Iโ€™m sure whoevers dick I have in my mouth will somehow make itโ€™s way back to Lucas (ex fiance) so Iโ€™m gonna try to keep it as low key as possible. Wish me luck cause I think Iโ€™m already off to a bad start ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

So do I talk about last night/this morning or wait a day for my brains not to be scrambled.  


Listen Linda, listen.

I wanna get to the good stuff, I do, don’t get me wrong. But ya’ll gotta know the basic stuff first right? So I’ll jot it down as quick as I can. And if I miss anything and you’re confused, then who cares just keep reading! ๐Ÿค— Or ask, that works too. 

1. This. This is gonna be about my sexcapades (amongst other things too I’m sure)

2. Just got out of a HALF A DAMN DECADE relationship. I say half a decade instead of 5 years cause I’m all that is extra. Been trying to leave for a while, it was bad. Ever seen Dane Cooke do the “but my cds are in his truck!?”  

3. I feel like this will not be for virgin eyes and ears. And if it this then I have failed my vagina. 

4. Kay can’t we just get to the good stuff?